I swear this is going to the last time I write on this topic, because I am very tired of thinking, talking, and analyzing my own thoughts about breakups and recovery. A lot of people has been asking me how I can go from absolutely-miserable-street-cursing-mad woman to a happy confident woman in a month after my last relationship really deadly ended. The truth is that my relationship had already ended six month ago, but I was still hanging on to the hope that one day things will be back to normal. We were still "Friends". Being friends right after a break up is one of the worst thing and the least respectful thing you can do to yourself. Hanging on to hope is natural especially when you are in touch with your ex. Unless things are clearly cut, don't expect yourself to be completely free from all this torture. The following things are what I did after the last clean break which we said something along the lines of "We will never see and talk to each other ever ever ever again!" Even through I was still pretty destroyed then, but be aware that the results for you might vary since you might not have gotten used to days without your ex.
There are a few things that I did that were crucial in helping me recover: books, counselor, friends, and rebounds.
For books, I really recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It helped me tremendously. If you are not a book reader, or you hate books, or you are not emo enough to pick up a totally different hobby, then just read chapter 48 and 49 of the book, and read it over and over until you actually believe it. After this book, read The book of forgiving by Desmond Tutu, and read every single word of it. When you are recovering from a breakup, you will have so much anger in you that you want to hurt somebody or yourself. This book walked me through my anger stage of emotional recovery gracefully.
Counselor is one of the things that once you tell someone that you have a counselor, they think you have some problems. Truth is, you might have some problems, but everyone has problems. Having a counselor is one of the best things you can do for yourself. A counselor helps pinpoints the problems you should or are ready to face so that you can be a better person. Counselors come at a very important times like this, because they can patiently analyze the relationships, finding faults in failed relationships that you refuse or did not notice. My counselor lend me Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson, whom talks about how to focusing on the positives that are still present in yourself when an important piece of yourself just got ripped away. It helped some, but its impact was not as strong as the two books I recommended before.
Friends are really helpful when it comes to times like this too. However, there are certain friends that are capable of talking through your breakups and providing emotional comfort. Not all friends can do that, and not all friends has the patients to do that. Just because you have some friends whom are not always there for you, doesn't mean they are bad friends. It just means that they are also imperfect human beings that have different strengths and weaknesses. Make sure you don't completely reply on your friends, you also need to spend some time alone to actually process all your junk. Don't pour all your emotional tantrums onto your friends, process as much as you can on your own, then reach out to friends for help. An important part about any breakups is that its a process for you to become independent again.
For rebounds, make sure you don't go crazy, and make sure whoever you are dating knows that you have been through a hard breakup. Be yourself, and be honest. If you really like someone, go for it. If you don't like someone, don't force yourself to like that person just because you are lonely. If you decide to get into a new relationship, carefully evaluate whether your desire to get into a new relationship is due to excitement, societal pressure, loneliness, or you just like him enough to be in a relationship.
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