Thursday, December 31, 2015

Being self-aware can be discomforting

I was looking for books to read the other day, and more specifically, books that can give me a better judgement of character. Judgement of character is especially important if you are looking for the right people to meet in all aspects of your life. So far I have not yet found any. A book that I encountered on named How To Be A Good Judge Of Character Methods of Assessing Ability and Personality has some kind of religious influence in it. Even through I have recently been exploring the area of religion in my life, I hesitate to become a person that evolves my life around religion. As I was google searching, I came upon a post about such topic, that leads to a blog, then leads to a book named Hearts, Smarts, Guts, and Luck. It's a book on being self-aware that leads to successful entrepreneurship. The word entrepreneurship screams arrogance to me due to the character I associate with business majors in my undergraduate school. So I tend to stay away from it. The three co-authors for this self-help book also screams titles and influences to me. As I glanced at the short description of the three dominating looking businessman, I felt envious, jealous, worthless. They have money, influence, power, reputation, all of which I used to value, but no longer. They are self-aware, which I now value, and they apparently have enough to co-author a book about it. They are also thirty or forty years older than me, but I choose to ignore that.

It is then that made me realize that being self-aware is not always a feel-good drug. The envious and jealousy I felt increased my blood pressure, made me feel inferior and more keenly aware of my lesser role in my community. I also immediately realized the envious and jealousy I felt, and it made me feel ugly to even have such feeling in the first place. Just like one of my colleague used to tell me that she can be self-aware, but being self-aware made her feel uncomfortable about herself. I used to sneer and consider it a lack of courage to face such discomfort, now I think she is right. Often times being self-aware is constantly looking at myself at the ugliest, most realistic way possible. Being self-aware can get to the point that it messes up with your psyche. One person can look at him or herself this way every once in a while and know how to solve the problem. Another can also over expose him or herself to this painfully and uncomfortable way then fall into a negative feedback loop of despair.

But that's not to say that being self-aware is a bad thing. The questions that people ask on the blog of Hearts, Smarts, Guts, and Luck are more or less centered around finding ways to become self-aware. As if being self-aware is like having perfect pitch or photographic memory, you are either born with it or not. People generally want to be self-aware. People want that ability to honestly see themselves critically and honestly. Like positivity and willpower, self-awareness is a useful tool that comes in handy when life becomes unmanageable.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Tears is a wonderful thing

Tears is there to wash away the microorganisms that might settle onto your cornea. It's a sign of natural protective mechanisms against any foreign invasion. Tears in other instances are there as a sign of sorrow or sadness. I have been reading many psychoanalytic books, with eager psychologists trying to bring light to different perspective into people in transition, people that are suffering, or people facing whatever problems they are facing. There is one common theme in all of those books I read by David Brooks, M. Scott Peck, and Viktor Frankl. They all welcome tears, suffering, and changes in life. They see it as a necessary tool for us to grow spiritually into a deeper understanding of ourselves.

I, at many instances, try my best to hold the tears from coming out. You will laugh at the things I do: digging nails into my hands, pinching myself, or start thinking about extremely silly or embarrassing things I have done in the past. Most of times they don't work. Doing so would temporarily delay my tears, but at the end the tears always wins. Always.

Tears is a representation of suffering. Suffering is a representation of confrontation. Confrontation is a representation of maturation. Maturation is a representation of growth. Growth is a representation of experience. With those experience, we can see world from a different perspective. 

Another reason why people often hold back the tears, other than the fear of suffering and pain, is fear of judgement from others. The industrial revolution has changed people into believing tears as a sign of weakness, where indeed tears is a sign of strength. Tears show the confidence and bravery of an individual to show his or her weakness to others. Once an individual is willing to show it, the individual is willing to take the risks of all that follows afterwards. It indicates a precious level of trust towards others. It also indicates the belief in the self that is strong enough to tolerate all consequences of exposing his or her own weaknesses. 

To me, that is the quality of any leader of any organization should have, and yet sadly, most leaders in this world are deep in fear of the destruction of career, shame, and judgement. And yet, not many people, are willing to live completely guilt free, and are willing to remain the state of fear for a long long time. Many times, audiences can be forgiving and tolerant. We all understand that no one is perfect, because people who indeed pursue perfection is a sign of imperfection in itself. 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

When people talk about themselves

Many times when people talk about themselves, I do this mind game of counting the times of a repeated statement. And when people are talking about themselves, hence activating the feel good response, they tend to emphasize certain points or qualities about themselves.

Some people I encounter are well-off. Those people strike a heavy impression because...they are well-off, and I am not well-off. When talking about themselves, some would say, humbly, that they are comfortable. Some people would just admit with pride that they are wealthy and tells some 20 something youngster to go see their house. Then there are the kinds of people that want to vaguely imply how rich they are by telling me the yacht they have in Baltimore, the W they stayed at when they were in Las Vegas, how they buy their girlfriends monogramed handbags and red-painted bottom shoes. They spit out a mouthful of information with one central idea - they are rich. Hearing those kind of talks never make me comfortable, because it indicates a certain level of arrogance and belittlement within their tone.

When I accidentally got someone to start talking about themselves in this way, it's no longer a conversation, they are making an argument -- usually an argument about how good they think they are, are indeed how good they actually are, as if they are telling you a secret that researchers don't know. So I came up with a formula when I talk to people to allow me to differentiate the actual truth from egoistical beliefs.

When you are listening to someone talking, you can start counting the number of times they argued for the same point. If they mentioned it once or twice out of a twenty minute conversation, then it probably means it's true yet it's not a main emphasis of their life. If they mentioned it more than three or four times, or circulate around the same topic for two or three minutes out of a twenty minute conversation, then it probably means it's something they really believe in and are currently on their mind. If anything more than that, it for sure means that they are trying to brainwash you into believing whatever they are trying to tell you. In this case, don't believe him or her, and run as fast as you can, because a man aggressively trying convince you of something is either a really good salesman or a control freak.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Young vs Old: a way to explain the difference in happiness

There are the things that I think on a daily basis: how to be a better person, what is the fundamental rule that I should abide by to get by life the right way, what kind of person should I be when interacting with people from different backgrounds? All those questions I think about, consulted self-help books on, everyday non-stop, almost seem like an psychological symptom. Only recently, do I finally accept that it's all because I'm young, confused, inexperienced, worried, and anxious. All of which goes under the category of normal twenty year olds.

I was having a satisfying intellectual conversation with an acquiesce of mine about arrogance and something called the socio-emotional selectivity theory. It was a great conversation that I do not experience in my daily life, sadly. It was a conversation that involved with most agreements, addition of information, and the consensus that young people are arrogant, old people are not.

The socio-emotional selectivity theory, if you don't know, is a theory that people's attitude and behavior towards life is more dependent on how many years of life the individual perceive remain on this planet. Experience in the past matter, education matter, but this years remain alive and well matter the most towards people's attitudes towards life.

If you are young and in your twenties, you think you will life on forever. The questions you think tend to be long-term. Things like the next career choice, the people you should befriend to benefit you in the long term, the amount of wealth you should accumulate to make you live comfortably, are all geared towards the future. Younger generations (the responsible ones) tend focus on preparation and delayed satisfaction, instead of immediate fulfillment.

If you are not young, or if you are young but somehow know that you only have five or six years to live, you might find those questions to quickly loose its meaning. What's the point of starting a career when you know that you only have five to six years to work on it? Is it even worth it to put that much time and energy into something that are uncertain? What's the point of befriending this arrogant wealthy jerk when the chance of him helping me is one in a thousand? In term, those people focus on what's important to their own satisfaction and fulfillment. Establishing connections with  people who know you closer to the soul, is something all old people do. They know each other better, forming further bonds with familiar ones establishes a deeper level of understanding and comfort -- something new acquaintances do not give you. Doing the simple things like gardening, spending time at home gives you a sense of belonging and identity -- something that working 10 hours a day does not give you. At a point in time, people who think they only have a few years to live change their way of thinking, and somehow just knows what truly make them satisfied and fulfilled. It's not a new LV bag, it's not the newest tech gadgets, it's, apparently, the simplest thing that all young people are already doing but are unaware - the greenery of the grass, the change of seasons, then daily saluting with people, the general spirit of fulfillment and joy.

While I write, I can understand this fulfillment and joy abstractly, yet fail to grasp it concretely.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The simple absentmindedness that disturbed my peace for the holidays

With the blessing of the holidays, I decided to volunteer to wrap some gifts for wounded veterans charity. I originally thought my work involve taking a back log of unwrapped gifts and just put wrapping on them. Only later did I realize, startled, that it was a gift wrapping stand and involve interacting with customers. We had to wrap customers' gifts, in exchange for money. Those money, would then go to wounded veterans. The concept was different, and it changed my attitude for my situation. Dealing with customers involves putting on a welcoming face, praising them, and be as agreeable as possible. Wrapping in a small room with back log of unwrapped gifts does not require any of those.

What startled me more was a charity member that we call the leader. She was responsible for assigning tasks to volunteers, take care of monetary transactions, and all that. Like in a shop, she was the manager, and we were the workers. The gift wrapping station was compiled with three long desks, each with a red piece of cloth over it to make it look legit. A small sign on the left of the station that lists out the price of service: small- $4, medium-$6, large-$8, x-large-$10. With these abstract concept of sizes, customer is assumed to know what they are getting into. Right of the station has an stand with photos of wounded veterans and family reunions, giving the observant ones an idea that our service is more than a business transaction. On the desk is a binder, filled with more pictures of veterans. 

For the three uncomfortable hours I stood there, I tolerated my leader's behavior, I see it as a practice of my patience and forgiveness. But no more of this, I have to say, that what I observed, was inconsiderate, embarrassing, and disrespectful.

1. My attitude towards all people whom asked for gift wrapping were that they were customers that are looking for gifts to be wrapped in exchange for monetary compensation. Most customers whom stopped by the desk does not read and only later notice that all of our funds goes to charity. People don't read, even through there are photos and flyers and a binder full of pictures of wounded veterans, they just do not notice. Sometimes volunteers do a bad job, because we are all volunteers, not professional gift wrappers. The leader, or whomever that was having the initial contact with customers, should remind them that all funds goes to charity, and that they should not expect professional service. But there was none of that. Instead, I witnessed a couple of customers that watched closely and nervously at how the gifts were wrapped, and ended up seemingly disappointed at the wrapped gifts, only walking away with an air of disappointment. 

2. My leader has this habit of opening every gift to see what's inside when customers presented their items to be gift wrapped. Not only that, she touches it. Unfolding a dress, or opening up the dust bag to find a bag, then rubs her hand on it, while saying "wow this is beautiful, I wish I had this. (giggles) I am looking at what everyone is getting so I can make my shopping list. (more giggles)" I think it is rude, very, extremely, rude. If I want someone to gift wrap an gift that I wholeheartedly prepared for my loved ones, I would not appreciate it being investigated by someone else. At the same time, I would feel as if I'm being judged for the quality of item I am bring to my loved ones, no matter what the wrapper will say. This feeling of judgement and subconscious intrusion of privacy, is something to be avoided. Privacy is extremely important in every aspects of our life. A violation of privacy in my definition, is the utmost disrespect and inconsideration.

3. There is one time that my leader gave a customer a medium size box and took the extra large box from Macy's from the customer. Only after all gifts were wrapped, does she tell the customer that we switched the boxes, for the customer's convenience. In this case, the problem I'm having is the lack of consent. A normal procedure would be to ask the customer, whom are sitting right behind the desk and waiting, if we can switch out the boxes. The customer, out of courtesy, would most of times say yes. But go ahead and take something that originally belonged to them ahead of time? I just don't think that's right. 

Most of those problems can be solved if my leader is mindful of being respectful and communicative, especially when people are running a charity because we appreciate, value, and respect the life of others-- others that are suffering, and are less fortunate than us. But the behavior of inconsideration and rudeness exemplified by my leader, makes me question the ideology and attitude of a member from charity. The only thing that I learned from this, is that all volunteer opportunities are not the same, not all people are the same. Choosing an opportunity to give back to society involves careful observation of the people you interact with. Bad influences should be avoided, and we all need to be mindful and respectful of everyone around us.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

If you have no idea...

I was back home during the holidays, the first thing my dad said to me when I got home was there are some African tribes that lived in isolated areas away from outside influence, extremely poor, but frolic happy, do you see it as blessing or ignorance? I was startled, since a greeting was something I was expecting. Without the chance to think, my mom dragged me away to show me some new clothes she bought on discount from some quality store.

I thought about this problem for sometime, at first my answer was Yes! Blessings! How wonderful is their life without outside influence and living in their own utopia. Living in a world with a perfect structure, constant attitude, minimal problems and changes, I imagine the still-life of the picture perfect world. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, unaware of the harsh life that could possibly exist. So unfortunate that they took a bite of that apple, and come to the acknowledgement of wisdom and judgement-- all the good things that supreme creatures have, as well as the baggage of what Christianity call sin.

We often ask the question: do we regret bitting that apple? My answer is no.

The acquisition of happiness, and all those things that people say they want, will never be achieved when it is set as a goal. They come as a byproduct of something else, something that is meaningful, something that actually makes you get up early in the morning, something that you spent your nights tirelessly working on, something...else. Those things, as I vaguely describe but cannot pinpoint, are pursued through struggles, hardships, and headaches. Once you discover the thing, or meaning, or purpose, that you so passionately battle for, you may discover one day a bag full of happiness, success, or fame as a bonus.

For our fellow brothers and sisters from those African tribes that my dad was talking about, they may represent the life in the Garden of Eve. They are not aware of outside world, and are free from daily temptations that we battle everyday. Yet, do they know the true satisfaction after a fruitful day of hard labor? Do they know the feeling of victory when one has overcome his or her own limitations?

Friday, December 11, 2015

Future: a cultural change

A number of current writers, predominately in the field of psychology, sociology, philosophy, and humanities, lament about the values that generations of the twenty first century have. The emphasis on the big me was never a bad thing, until it turns people into terrorists, narcissists, or on a less extreme level, just plain brats. With the millions of books published on self help, self improvement, I guess the newly found value that emphasizes on oneself still does not improve humanity.

People occasionally ponder, Why did some celebrities, with money and fame that everyone wants, turn from innocence to degenerates? Why do people update non-stop on Facebook and twitter? Why did Instagram and snapchat took off within a whim? Some even ask those questions, I'm afraid, with senses of jealousy, as if having more than thousands of followers on twitter or instagram were a success. That leaves the rest of civilization on this planet-- not successful? But I'm sure most people would agree with me that there are many problems with the teen, 20, and 30 years olds in this world: insecurity, constant grasp for attention, and loneliness. But why would you be lonely if you have thousands of followers on Instagram and fifty likes on your newest photo upload on Facebook?

Apparently, we have taken off the value of the big me way too far. When the idea of the big me first came, it was there to jumpstart the post World War II gloom. It was an idea that people no longer have to suffer together for the adrenaline we get from patriotism. The big me was there to help people with a social transition from community to individuality. But in the twenty first century, we have cycled three generations from the baby-boomers, we don't need those ideas anymore. World War II, cold war, is now history that we can learn from, not social anxiety we have to deal with. But we fail to understand that. Our grand parents suffer from the stress of not having enough food back in their days, stress the importance of having money. Our parents saw childhood classmates make a fortunate with nothing but passion (Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, etc.), firmly believe that we can, too. What results is a society where money and fame diggers struggling to find a replacement for the parental love we are so used to receiving.

I would like to see one day, that the horrendous scream for self-grandiouse will die down. That one day when people drop their sense of pride, ego, and reputation. One day when all of us focus on what is truly meaningful for each and everyone of us. And one day when we focus on giving to other people. The day when people value community, meaning, love, and forgiveness, is a day that all are smiling and satisified.