Big stones in a jar

Once someone told me that "people spend so much time filling their jars with smaller pebbles, that when the larger stones come, there are no room."

My initial reaction to this was, "I don't know what this is about but there must be some profound hidden meaning to it!"

A few month later, I was notified that my graduate school application which I spent the past decade constructing was not fruitful. Disappointed, and wretched. The news came to me as if that email was sneering at me, poking the scars formed to protect my fragile insecurities, fears, and pride. I didn't know what to do for a while but to be overwhelmed with the flood of emotions. After a few hours of crying, which felt like letting go of my desire for control, I was left with emptiness.

Then miraculously, hope came. The struggles I had in the past have increased my tolerance for failure. As long as I do not give up my goals, I can always work towards it. It was then that I remembered the reference to stones in the jar. The larger stones are failures, misfortunate, sickness, and the spaces in the jar can be hope, persistence, and conquer.

The person who said this to me had once lost everything: career, friends, family, even his homeland. A person like that has every reason to be bitter about this world, however, he displayed an inner happiness and peace that I rarely see in others.

Small talk

I was never good with small talk, especially with people who are hard to talk to. With the suggestion of a friend, I started a habit of chatting with Uber drivers. The small space of a car somehow creates a friendly environment that facilitates conversations. Many people opted in as an Uber driver as a part time job. Their full time job ranges from science researchers, singers, business owners, even lawyers. They impress me with what they have to share to the conversation, once I get the conversation going, that is. 

There are a few tips I want to share about small talk, 

1. Curiosity - This should be a no-brainer. If you are not curious about the people you are talking to, it will be hard to generate an interesting conversation. Curiosity stems from the desire to know about fields you are not familiar with, or know nothing about. This can also give the person you are talking to a hint that you are interested in getting to know about them.

2. Open-mindedness - No one wants to talk to someone who is judgmental, and always there to make conclusions about themselves. Small talk happen because you don't know a lot about the other person, backgrounds, and experiences, so why should you jump to conclusions about that person. Open-mindedness involves accepting that there are other people who have different opinions and ideas about things in this world. Agree to disagree is a good place to be if you are talking to someone with different opinions as you.

3. Hobbies and interests - The good thing about hobbies or interests is that people cannot stop talking about their hobbies and interests. If you happen to share a similar hobby with someone, you share a similarity with that person. Similarity makes people more likable.

4. Be willing to end the conversation - The purpose of small talk is to casually converse to kill time, prevent awkward silences, or to cultivate a friendly, easier atmosphere. However, sometimes people might not be in the mood to talk for many reasons. If you encounter a person whose answers are short with no follow ups, who shows no interests in getting to know about you, then it would be completely fine to drop the conversation. A conversation involves the participation of both parties.

Inner Equilibrium

I believe everyone in on the face of earth is trying to find the so called peace while living in this fast paced world. I see peace as an abstract feeling of inner equilibrium. Peace is like sitting in a garden listening to sounds of flowing water with no negative emotions on your mind. But this calming and a lack of threat feeling is slowly diminishing within the fast pace society. We all want to establish a calming inner equilibrium, by working on ourselves, exposing ourselves to the optimal environments, coming up with rules in morality that we follow to avoid guilt. But is peace really reachable when the values of the society change towards the materialistic, the constant simulation of internet, and social media to escape the temporary of real life problems?

Often I find myself going through a smooth week, with accomplishments at work, finishing all errands on time, great conversations with friends, like my life is going great. The suddenly Boom! A clogged sink, and Boom! work gets out of hand, and Boom! a friend is upset for my absence of some social outing. By then the inner peace is thrown off balance, and the mental mindset is back to coping with the negative emotions while learning to appreciate life at the same time.

But what if this feeling of having small issues in my life waiting to be solved and/or tolerated is actually the inner equilibrium. What if the percentage of life is actually spent more on taking care of small raising problems than on enjoying the zero-stress occasions? One of the life goal that I learned as the life years build up, is that one develops more toleration for the miscellaneous life problems that comes and goes. Problems with water bills, banks, or taxes comes and goes, and eventually we will all see them as errands to do as oppose to life-threatening issues. Such inner equilibrium is established through years and years of toleration, instead of through the competition of all life's issues at one time.

Frugal habits vs Poor conditions

Without a doubt parents want their kids to excel, and to be good, responsible human beings. There are countless research centered around the development of kids' values, characteristics, morals, etc. Parents pour money into education and extracurriculars for their kids as if such endeavors garentee the constitution of a socially desired individuals. However, parents can attempt to develop one desireable characteristics within a child but mistakenly yielding something...not so desirable. There is a fine line between parents desire to emphasizing frugalness and ending up giving the child an impression of being poor.

Growing up, I saw many middle class families, either in the states or in other countries, highlighting the importance of saving money and spending only on what is absolutely necessary. Out of many other responsibilities a newly constituted familiy might have, mortgage, bills, car insurance costs, etc, it is easy to shut down a child's request for candies or toys. But think about the psychological effect it might have on the child. With his or her own desire inconstantly denied, but with adequate amount of love and attention, the inconstantcy of care leads the child to conclude that the family is financially limited.

Training a child to be frugal diminishes the likelihood of future financial issues. Giving the child an image of poor family background comes with some consequences. For one, being raised from a poor family leads to insecurity, a reluctance to express the inner desire due to the frequency rejections while young, and a limitation to predict actual values of materialistic things. Also, in terms of interacting with others, being raised from a poor family tend to pay more attention on the financial ability of other children's families, hence factor this into basis of friendship. Lastly, the child's desire pursue its own interests that are financially costly such as traveling would be suppressed due to the child's concern for parents' opinions. This prevents the child's creativity, and the ability to exercise confidence and assertion.

So how are you subconsciously effecting your kids?

Exercise is now a main stream

I walk down the street of Bethesda Wisconsin ave, and I see so many gyms. Equinox, Washington Sports club, Fitness first offers people comprehensive gym experience and has a large client base. Smaller more specialized fitness stores are now popping out of nowhere: Solidcore, SoulCycle, Corepower Yoga. Those specialized studios mainly attract people that are looking for the hipster pro experience. I have not tried many different fitness places. All I can say is that my experience in specialized studios were...not something that encouraged me to go back. The pro experience made me felt so much of an VIP, so exclusive that the atmosphere was almost cult like.

But why? Why are those gyms, specialized fitness studios, and active clothing stores like Lucy and Rei, on the rise? Some places like Solidcore actually charge $35 a class with their store fronts still standing. Rei, an outdoor/camping/hiking equipment store offers free flyfishing classes as a way to attract customers. Corepower yoga studios are so popular that the opening of local stores gain media attention. The answer: physical exercise is on the rise, and this trend is catching onto people at a faster pace than we have seen before. Thanks to instagram, where people post only the nicest sides of themselves, Facebook, where public relations specialist utilize for commercial benefits, trends catch on at an exponential level. On top of that, it seems like the moment people are done doing the physical talking, they go back to their phone for internet swiping. The result? Fads come and goes, faster than ever before. Due to the dominos effect with social media, when one person start to get board of something, the crew catches on. The speed of the turn over, although encourage people to be more adoptable, induces stresses for anyone that is involved.

Maybe it is time to take it slow with what everyone on social media wants, and start acquiring your own hobbies or brands.

First time running a half marathon?

I first started running races because I have a lot of runner friends around me, I wanted to pick up new hobby, and I really wanted to make wall arts with finisher medals. So the credits of motivation would be from my friends and pinterest. Going to a first half marathon without proper training would be intimidating for new runners. On top of that, a lot of training programs come either expensive, time-consuming, or just too much information for someone who doesn't know much about running. I didn't know much about running other than it can help me loose weight, but heck, that's only half true. There are some simple important points that can help you plan out your training schedule:

Weekend long runs are my focus when I was training for my first half. I was lucky to have a 10mile race two weeks before my first half marathon, so I spent a total of two month of training for the first half marathon. This is what I did:
Weekend 1: 2 miles
Weekend 2: 5 miles
Weekend 3: 5 miles
Weekend 4: 7 miles
Weekend 5: 7miles
Weekend 6: 10miles (Race Day)
Weekend 7: 7 miles
Weekend 8: 13.1 miles (Race Day)
The longest I have ran before training was 3 miles. That was done two years ago. I remember I was dying afterwards. I wasn't even a runner of any sort before I started training. So you can do it too!

Weekday trainings are hectic especially for someone with a 9-5 job, so I ddi not train much on weekdays. But it's important to make sure to take care of your body on weekdays since those weekend long runs can make your body very, very stiff. As a result, you have to build up strength and flexibility. This is what I did:
Tuesday: Yoga (1 hour long session)
Thursday: Free weights (30min, 20lbs)
If you have absolutely no time for weekday trainings, take at least 10 minutes twice per week to build up strength in your core area.

Other things that you need to keep in mind:
- Don't injure yourself. You don't want to be the person that injured yourself and end up people watch during race day. Pay attend to how your body heals after a long run. If it takes more than a day to recover from a weekend long run, decrease your speed or mileage the next weekend.
- Stretch before and after your run. But if you are lazy and had to pick one, stretch after your run, it helps your body recover.
- If you are stock up on carbs a couple of days before the race, the race will go much easier.
- Make sure you go to the bathroom before you run. Bodily waste can drag you down.
- Make sure you dress adequately for running. If you are not sure how much layer to put on, dress less. It's less likely that you will be cold when running than burning up.
- Most importantly, try to enjoy the race. If you hate people, pick a small race. If you hate running, then run at a comfortable pace.

Recovering from a bad breakup

I swear this is going to the last time I write on this topic, because I am very tired of thinking, talking, and analyzing my own thoughts about breakups and recovery. A lot of people has been asking me how I can go from absolutely-miserable-street-cursing-mad woman to a happy confident woman in a month after my last relationship really deadly ended. The truth is that my relationship had already ended six month ago, but I was still hanging on to the hope that one day things will be back to normal. We were still "Friends". Being friends right after a break up is one of the worst thing and the least respectful thing you can do to yourself. Hanging on to hope is natural especially when you are in touch with your ex. Unless things are clearly cut, don't expect yourself to be completely free from all this torture. The following things are what I did after the last clean break which we said something along the lines of "We will never see and talk to each other ever ever ever again!" Even through I was still pretty destroyed then, but be aware that the results for you might vary since you might not have gotten used to days without your ex.

There are a few things that I did that were crucial in helping me recover: books, counselor, friends, and rebounds.

For books, I really recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It helped me tremendously. If you are not a book reader, or you hate books, or you are not emo enough to pick up a totally different hobby, then just read chapter 48 and 49 of the book, and read it over and over until you actually believe it. After this book, read The book of forgiving by Desmond Tutu, and read every single word of it. When you are recovering from a breakup, you will have so much anger in you that you want to hurt somebody or yourself. This book walked me through my anger stage of emotional recovery gracefully.

Counselor is one of the things that once you tell someone that you have a counselor, they think you have some problems. Truth is, you might have some problems, but everyone has problems. Having a counselor is one of the best things you can do for yourself. A counselor helps pinpoints the problems you should or are ready to face so that you can be a better person. Counselors come at a very important times like this, because they can patiently analyze the relationships, finding faults in failed relationships that you refuse or did not notice. My counselor lend me Hardwiring Happiness by Rick Hanson, whom talks about how to focusing on the positives that are still present in yourself when an important piece of yourself just got ripped away. It helped some, but its impact was not as strong as the two books I recommended before.

Friends are really helpful when it comes to times like this too. However, there are certain friends that are capable of talking through your breakups and providing emotional comfort. Not all friends can do that, and not all friends has the patients to do that. Just because you have some friends whom are not always there for you, doesn't mean they are bad friends. It just means that they are also imperfect human beings that have different strengths and weaknesses. Make sure you don't completely reply on your friends, you also need to spend some time alone to actually process all your junk. Don't pour all your emotional tantrums onto your friends, process as much as you can on your own, then reach out to friends for help. An important part about any breakups is that its a process for you to become independent again.

For rebounds, make sure you don't go crazy, and make sure whoever you are dating knows that you have been through a hard breakup. Be yourself, and be honest. If you really like someone, go for it. If you don't like someone, don't force yourself to like that person just because you are lonely. If you decide to get into a new relationship, carefully evaluate whether your desire to get into a new relationship is due to excitement, societal pressure, loneliness, or you just like him enough to be in a relationship.

Trump - representation of American Arrogance

From the recent sleepless nights, I've been listening to the news, looking at the polls, and frantically updating on people's view on the most reported GOP runner. Never has a political candidate, or anyone in media, has caused this much stress, and anxiety in my life. Looking at the so called Donald Trump supporters - white, uneducated, racist, selfish, it is clear that people who have at least a tiny bit of moral senses do not want to have Trump as the American President.

Trump, the famous candidate that went up to the podium and started verbally attacking, insulting his oppoentents in the most graceless way, commented on the political ad campaign that was aired out against him. 'All those hours spent talking badly about me' as Trump weave out his thoughts to the reporter, hurt, disappointed, has he never thought about what those political candidates felt when he was insulting them right on TV? This is when I realize that Trump has no compassion towards people, does not feel and care about the pain he can inflict on others. If he comes the president, will he care about the pain and suffering millions of people are going to endure as a result of his policies?

Americans are known to be straight and direct. However, Trump speaks to the general public in the most convoluted way he can be. Every interviews he has conducted with reporters has been going in circles. The 'We gotta do something' and 'Make America great again' carries only emotion, but never any actual content. Trump rarely provides concrete and realistic solutions, a man who lives in his own dreams, unfortunately, is the only thing I see.

Worse, Trump addressed David Duke endorsement with denial and confusion. 'What? David Duke endorsed me?... Just so you understand, I don't know anything about David Duke, OK?' I have never seen a presidential candidate whom sounded so much like a child. How does that statement different from a 5-year old boy saying I don't know who stole that last cookie, I don't know, okay?

Some of the Trump supports has offered the most outraging reasons for why they support him. And those reasons reflected so much how sinful those people can be. CNN quoted a male Trump supporter saying 'I mean, it seems like we really go overboard to make sure all these other nationalities nowadays and colors have their fair shake of it, but no one's looking out for the white guy anymore'. In a way I am happy that those white guys are having a taste of what they have done to minorities, those terrible feeling of neglect, lack of respect, and fear they have made minorities feel for all those years. But looking at the comment, it made me question why should America look out for the white guys in the first place? I thought we are all created equal, I thought America is a nation that has been, and always will be, made out of immigrants.

I do not give Trump respect as a GOP candidate, I do not have respect for Trump as a human being. Such person, who only cares about profit, numbers, and ignore to address the people whom disagrees with him and would like to "punch [Trump's protestors] in the face". A dictator who kills off people who disagrees with his own ideas, that is who he really is.

Some good qualities to learn in Christianity

Growing up as an atheist, I had thought religion is nothing but quicksand of cults, an organization that you join voluntarily to be controlled and manipulated. I'm not sure where I picked those negative assumptions of religion, perhaps from passing by stories, and perhaps by heavy anti-religious influence on CCTV. It wasn't until recently that I started exploring different spiritual routes that Christianity has to offer. Christianity seems omnipresent, just like how Bank of america branches are everywhere, providing convenience, implying dominance. A few things I noticed about the teachings of Christianity that breaks my original idea of religion as a whole and see it less of a cult.

Encouragement for a welcoming community: People tend to adopt a sense of identity from a group, being inside a group tend to generate pride and exclusivity. The whole idea of VIPs is built on top of individuals'  pride and ego, a boost of exclusivity and feel good hormones. A small group of girlfriends can also be closed off to others due to reluctance for change and new voices. I believe welcoming communities are a rare find in today's society. It requires open-mindedness, love, and compassion towards others to be a member and supportive of a welcoming community. And who can confidently say that they always resemble all those qualities?

Belief in god as a self-fulfilling prophecy: It is hard for a colored feminist to picture a bald, old, Caucasian guy with exotically shaped long beards as a ruler, and call him father, believe in him, and think that he gives me life or decides my path. So I don't picture God in that way. Rather, I imagine god as goodness, karma, justice, fairness, and the perfect form of myself. Hence, to be closer to god is to constantly remind myself that I should be a good perfect, and I should strive towards perfection. Because I can never be god, I can never be perfect. And when I do things that are not perfect, that is because I can never be god. The other idea is that god will eventually give you everything you deserve in this unfair world. It's the thinking that everything is going to be good, fine, and we will eventually all be okay. This wishful thinking to me, seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy that prevents me from aimlessly worry about the unknown future.

It makes you less fearful of death: A number of spiritual writers and well-being gurus have written about fear. Fear of death has tormented people, especially in old age, from enjoying their life to the fullest. The essence of Christianity is to believe that once you are dead, you in some gassy form will ascend to heaven and live in utopia forever. While this sounds to me like a prison, but it's suppose to be good. The belief of afterlife makes you less fearful of death, hence help liberating you from the notion of fear itself. Now isn't it good to be brave and less fearful?

While these teachings have only good intentions, we have all seen people that were so dedicated to religion that they have completely lost themselves. As a friend once said, religion can be a tremendous help for people when used in the right circumstances with the right amount of influence. When you are too much into an established religion, let it be Christianity or Buddhism, that you donate all your belongings to it and struggling to make your own ends meet, then this religion is a cult to you. I am not an advocate for Christianity, and I still take the idea of organized religion with caution. With that said, I think that everyone needs their own religion as a leeway to deeper spiritual development. It could be an unique religion that you come up with yourself (your view on life), or you can join an already established religion with temples or books. As long as it allows you to focus on being a better human being to yourself and to others, it is a good religion that fosters spiritual development.

Something easier than articulation

Today, I encountered a person. I encountered someone smart, dedicated, and influential. He was a guy with his own lab and ideas, meeting with my mentors and bosses for a collaborator project. I was able to sneak into the meeting under the excuse of learning. He rolled into my lab's small meeting room, covering a half of a mac laptop with his palms, oozing down on our meeting room chair until the chair finally let out a weak groan. It is from this guy that I've learned something that could be useful to a lot of social interactions.

This guy pulled out his computer, put up a long powerpoint presentation, excitingly talk about what he has found from the maturation of cells from basil laminar to the external surface. Slides after slides of colorful, powerful images of stained cells, the results pretty much sold itself. Throughout his talk he found chances to include some personal stories and jokes to make the presentation less dry, and hence we know that he also has a number of other projects and collabrators. As we sat there gawking over what's in front of us, his tones changed subtly. "I usually hate to talk about this," he began. He was asking for additional funding to his project, a common problem that scientists face. I stared at his facial expressions, trying to catch any indications of sensation other than the excitement and honor to work with us. Among the many blessed words to our ears, I caught tiny glimpse of discomfort, nervousness, and lots of laughter to ease out any source of negativity. Is he carefully articulating what he is saying for a better outcome? Did he chose to focus on how happy he is to work with us so we don't pay too much attention to the financial request? Or is the cheerful attitude and the awkwardness of financial request just a honest representation of his thinking?

Often times in social interactions I come upon the need to ask for favors, or just to get on someone's good side without saying I really like you as a person and wish we can be friends. Even if I don't like someone, I still feel the need to be as friendly and amiable as I can. In a world that is as intricately connected as ours, a good rule to have is to make as much good impressions as one can. However, there are times when I mess up. When I have mixed views about something, words come out of my mouth reveal exactly that. I would then have to be more elaborate and explain that I didn't meant to say what I said, but I know that I really believe what I've just said. Confusion, inconsistency, and awkwardness are the results of these kind of slip ups. Sometimes people tell me that I need to articulate my ideas better, but it requires knowing English on a deeper level then I demonstrate. Other times people encourage me to focus on something else then my actual point, but that doesn't sound right either. With my recent discoveries of religion and morality, a few things clicked as I observed and listened to what this guy said.

Becoming a good speaker requires articulation. But carefully align words in purposeful ways requires lots of mental power and exercise to achieve perfectly. It requires years of reading, large span of attention dedicated to vocabulary, relationship between words, and all that jazz. It is not the fastest solution to avoid slip ups especially when you are not confident speaking eloquently. However, being a honest speaker that voices out how I feel at a specific time, does not require any thing but honesty. To me, narrating things in the honest and truthful way requires less mental energy then speaking while facing cognitive dissonance. If not able to articulate my own words is my problem, then I can at least convince myself that my negativity is wrong. The disappearance of negativity might only be temporary, but as long as negativity disappear while I'm interacting with that person, I still have presented myself as best as I can. I wonder as I write this post, if that dude traveled up to DC from his own institution has spent his travel time wondering what's the best word in the best sentence when expressing which idea will yield him the best outcome.

Quality of life

I was inspired to rant about the quality of life when I was on the bus this morning, overhearing two gentlemen talking about their mothers and grandmothers' experiences being in old age. Just for your reference, their relatives are all in their 90s. The whole conversation prompted me to think about how people's quality of life change as they age, and their expectation for quality of life change as well. This topic is semi related to Young vs Old post from last December.

Before briefly touching on quality of life at old age, I would like to talk about people ranging the age 20 to 50 having a certain expectation and guidelines for their quality of life. We are all subconsciously trying to improve our quality of life. However, the way that many of us understand the quality of life is not just how much you go to the gym, how much you make, or how much fancy food you can enjoy with whoever people. To me personally, going to the gym makes me feel more fit and healthy, making more money makes me feel more competent as a human being, eating fancy food makes me feel like I am very privileged. They are all guidelines to which I categorize under quality of life, as if doing those things could give me a mental check in my quality of life checklist. However, deep down inside, I believe quality of life is more than our own desire to motivate, enjoy, pamper ourselves.

Quality of life also involves how satisfied, fulfilled, or, for the lack of a better word, blessed you feel on average. My bus driver believed that the quality of life for an senior citizen is more important than the longevity. This is where our view of quality of life is different from say, a dying grandma's view of quality of life. Atul Gwande emphasize in Being Mortal that at the edge of dying, patients tend to grab onto privacy and sentimental matters while sacrificing their time being alive. Legacy is another important matter people think about when facing death. All of those things: connections to others, connections to the self, legacy, etc. all give us ideas about who we are and the roles we have played in relation to others. While Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now indicate being conscious of the presence is important, I believe establishing satisfying meaningful relationships with people around you, and your spiritual higher being (God or Buddha), is an essential part of the quality of life.

Privileges

One of the common societal and psychological problem that we constantly have to deal with is privilege. The people around us with any gender, race, age are all given with certain privileges. We don't have all the same privileges, but any one of us, especially the ones reading this post, have at least one - access to internet, able to speak the universal language, access to electricity, etc. We often don't look at our own privileges, because it just so easy to take them for granted. And granted, some privileges are given to us when we were born. We often look at other people's privileges that we do not have, and agonize about how unfair for us to not have them. Then there are people whom appreciate certain privileges and consider themselves lucky to have them, of which then soon translate to responsibility.

Throughout history, no one can deny the fact that a lack of privileges is a main reason people make profound social changes for. War of 1812 started when we do not have the privilege to be represented in parliament, Feminism started when women do not have the same right as men. And currently, the black right movement that's surfing on top of internet wave is louder then ever. I have encountered a number of articles that comes out to speak up their opinion of black awareness. Some I agree with, some I think are written by self-deceptive idiots. It is hard both morally and reasonably to take a stance on the whole thing, but it is because I do not have either the white nor black privilege. In my numerous attempt to form my own opinion of racial awareness and privileges, I realized that I cannot have one that is completely fair.

Having a certain privilege places you in a certain environment that is uniquely to people with such privilege. For the outside eyes, we see benefits, yet we don't know the consequences that comes with it. And believe me, all things have good and bad consequences. It's just a matter of how much. What we should do with privileges, is simply be aware of it. We can simply understand that they are in a unique situation that we will never be in, then walk away. I don't think it is fair to point fingers at one another and say, you have privilege X, Y, and Z, and I don't. I think it is not point fingers and say, you have privilege X, Y, and Z, I have privilege A, B, and C, those privilege do not make us better or worse of a person, it just makes us different.

That being said, it is also important to acknowledge that each one of us have certain kind of priviliege that not a lot of other people have. It is obvious to point out privileges in well-to-do families, but being able to find your privileges in your painful background is a very good tool to have. In Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath, Gladwell talked about how people who were born in challenging family backgrounds raise to the top of society through the unique and harsh environment in childhood and early adulthood. While this phenomenon does not happen to all people born in that environment, we know, through pop science, that there is at least a hope, a chance. I would say being born in difficult family environments is a privilege because you have the experience to go through hardship that not a lot of people will. And hardship is very good for the soul because it forces you to stay sane by practicing hope and hard work. Both hope and hard work are necessary for a healthy and successful life.

Personally, being a minority is a privilege. It gains me access to people of my own kind. We are friendlier to each other, we help each other out. Being a minority also gives me the privilege to practice dignity, to have a clear view of the common misconceptions, to be lesser fearful of failures due to my minority status. Being a minority instead of being white in America is like climbing the Himalayas instead of the Sierra Nevada, it's more difficult, but the gains are incomparably enormous. 

Shanghai Bao Kitchen in Bethesda, Maryland

Shanghai Bao Kitchen is one of those small store fronts squeezed in the three story high food market in Montgomery mall in Chevy Chase, Maryland. I have been wanting to try it every time I get hungry, consistently for the past two weeks. So I finally got some of those Baos, after a few hours of slow-mo cardio in the mall.

What prompted me to write this food post is not how delicious, or rare, or nostalgic, are those Baos which I have not had in a long time. The shop just happened to first start serving sandwich Baos, and I (background applause) just happen to be the first customer trying it! With rarity of being the first customer, I decided to write this post to celebrate my incredibly-short-lived-first-customer-excitment. This post, however, is still about the quality and taste of those Shanghai Baos.

The sandwich Bao model shown in above flyer was so tempting that I went ahead and bought one even with my limited budget for the day. Kimchi in the middle with  Korean Bulgogi - another asian fusion that's awkward to categorize.

The incredibly friendly staff members definitely made customers feel special. If they lied about me being the first customer to try the sandwich Baos, then they are top of the notch to know how to win customers.

Pan fried Baos! Man was I excited to see them! I haven't had them in ages. They even had those mouse-shaped looking Baos that usually indicate either vegetarian, or in my hometown is fermented cabbage. The joy of encountering something that stirs up memories of childhood is priceless.

The left Bao in the picture is pork Bao.  It tastes great, just like what pork Bao suppose to taste like. It's not perfect because the filling is made with industrialized pork instead of freshly butchered ones. And you can't find freshly butchered meat in cities. The sandwich Bao in the middle has threaded cucumber at the bottom, tender and well-seasoned chicken, green onions, a drop of Hoisin sauce on top with drizzles of sriracha. Delicious. The vegetable Baos on the right really impressed me. Vegetables are seasoned to the appropriate amount, yeasts fermenting in flour to the right amount. Each bite was satisfying. Comfort foods taste the best only in their distant memories. I really enjoyed these, and they are as good as it gets in the DMV area.

I find it bazaar that they provided choices of dipping sauce for Baos. I never ate Baos, pan-fried nor steamed, with any dipping sauce. In fact, dipping sauce, according to my family tradition, is only paired with dumplings. They had different options of dipping sauce: soy, sriracha, Chipotle ranch, Hoisin, etc. I went with the classic soy, because I tend to go on the conservative side when I am experimenting. 

Three buns costs $9, which isn't dirt cheap, and I still have some room in my bird stomach afterwards. You can stuff yourself with $7.15 worth of Chipotle if you don't mind the risk of E.coli. This price range I would identify it as 2 dollar signs on Yelp. With that said, those Shanghai Baos nowadays are becoming very popular, and with its price point becoming less friendly.

The woman in a social environment

I have been spending sometimes with the books - frictions, non frictions, they are all products of intellectual inspirations, valuable introspective analyses. Station Eleven is a book that I finished the other day for a local book club that I joined. This book didn't register me too much other than the shock value I got for taking place in a post apocalyptic world. The previous novel I read prior was Americanah. That book connected with me so much that I believe the many friction books that follows after will most likely cast in shadows for a while.

While reading, one particular character left a heavy impression on me. It was a character in the memories, someone that was involved for half a page out of the three hundred page novel. It took place at a social party, a woman sipping on her cocktail, wobbling around as if she owns the whole scene. She occasionally interrupts people while they are speaking and asks: "I'm sorry...What exactly is it that you do?" She often mistakes rudeness for intellectual rigor, smiles tactfully in social situations, with occasional "oh"s as amusement and as if showing wild interest in someone else is rare. Our main protagonist believes that she is the most pretentious person she had ever seen.

I can easily imagine a woman like that, dressed color-coordinated, cashmere sweater, white pants, J-crew jewelry, Kate Spade handbag, Cole Haan flats. I would think she is some well-to-do semi-important woman in some kind of marketing that involves dealing with people on a daily basis. I would give her initially a hint of respect while being wary of my own behavior, subconsciously comparing myself with her. I would silently judge how she behaves in front of strangers, positioning marks among my mental checklist of friendliness, open-mindedness, number of positive-neutral-negative comments being said, all of which determines if she is worthy befriending and will be of good influence on me.

For the woman that appeared in Station Eleven, I would also think that she is pretentious, have high standards, constantly and consistently judgmental. She is someone who doesn't care how she appeared to other people while others' opinion deeply define her at the same time. I have seen these kind of people, especially in power-hungry cities like DC and New York. They are unhappy with their lives due to their own standards and judgements. They believe that they are confident and indestructible on the surface, but actually arrogant and easily stressed on the inside.

How do I know so much about these people? It's because frankly, I am exactly like that. I behave exactly like that woman in social situations, and of course I have my own reasons for behaving this way. I dress nicely to create a good first impression. A cocktail in my hand is my ticket for fitting in. While evaluating, I would also make sure I am well represented. I want to be like myself with my facial expressions and reactions especially at first impression, because pretending at first would elicit pretending for the rest of eternity. I occasionally show interests because there are only so many things someone says that interest me. My eyebrows would raise only slightly while I heard something that is worth longer in-depth discussions, because I would not want to appear too desperate. I would not smile too much to cover up my neurotic nature. I would be impatient with a content-lacking conversation going on, and tactfully break into the conversation by changing subjects, usually by "Oh really? So what do you do then?"

Somehow to my own justification, I seem to do no wrong. If that appears pretentious to a writer and to myself, then some analysis and brain-storming are required. Because, you know, we don't want to be called pretentious.

Letting go and moving on from a loved one

Letting go of someone that was once important can sound like a failure. You have to let go and find alternatives when things don't work out. That original moment when you are forced to recognize that reality does not match with fantasy can be shocking, despairing, even suicidal. Your trust and love for the other person is so damaged that you want to actively destroy and erase trust and love once and forever. You are angry with that person, because it was his or her fault for the damages done. You are angry with yourself, for even letting others to ruin you in this way. The negativity bias comes in and magnifies all your feelings, and of course, the lack of love during childhood does not help.

When I'm trying to find ways to start process of letting go, I hesitate and think, as if I'm making a decision that will determine life and death. I keep on finding reasons, excuses, or truth (depending on how one sees it), so that my decision of letting go or not letting go is entirely justified. There are many reasons why we don't want to let go: familiarity, fear, hope for the future. We often think that being in this level of destruction is better than any other alternative. Indeed, I suspect that's how masochism starts.

Perhaps you are over this stage of shock and mourn. Perhaps you want to try, or are ready to move on. But how? Letting go and moving on means that you are willing to accept all consequences. If the ones you love ended up with someone else and completely betrays you, you are okay. If the ones you love comes back to you, you are okay as well. It's easy to question your morals and worth at this point when you are contemplating all your options. It's normal to associate who you are with the next few choices you make, because the feeling is just so strong and overwhelming. Seeking meaning at this stage can set you back and prevent you from letting go. Hope is something good to have, but when you are letting go and moving on, hope can lead to something potentially more dangerous and for a longer period of time.

I believe the actual moving on process is the process of accepting the worse case scenario. My way of dealing this moving on is more destructive, more overwhelming, and more cynical against hope. I tend to want to speed up the process of letting go and have all the pain come at me at once so I can get it over with. I often bombard myself with vivid day dreams of worse case scenarios that might happen to my loved ones that has deeply, profoundly hurt me. I lock myself up in my room. I cry, and let all my emotions go. Once I started the process, I drench myself in the process until I am deprived of all feelings. I put those vivid dreams on replay, until when I no longer feel angry towards it.

Anger is a sign that you still deeply care about someone. Anger is an intense feeling, aroused by injustice that you are a victim of. If you feel angry toward your loved one, it means you have not yet let go. What truly gives you an indication of victory, is disgust, disrespect, and indifference. They are all feelings that repels you from the other person, as if they have some disease that is contagious, and you don't want any of it. Disgust and disrespect comes first, because you have not get forgiven that person. When forgiveness is granted, you reach indifference. By that time, you reach a new born freedom, new power that makes you feel indestructible. By that time, you have suffered a lot, yet your brain won't remember exactly how much you have suffered. The entire experience fossils into additional resilience, a trophy, or a scar.

After my overexposure towards pain and despair, I return to the society feeling like a zombie, a barren land after the volcano eruption. But spring will come, green grass and flowers will seed and grow again.

Why we should leave tourists alone

Tourism is something that can generate a feeling of repugnance within local citizens who really have a sense of belonging to their city/town/country, etc. Living in new york city then moved to DC, I have a similar feeling. The lousy new york city can be disorienting, yet money burning skyscrapers can be condescending too. White stone embellished buildings in downtown DC and iconic monuments can always be crowded with reverence and the not-so-classy selfie takers.

Walking either in downtown Manhattan or Washington, I often bump into tourists. They would stop me in the middle of the road and ask for directions, price of city rental bikes. If they were more energetic, they would ask me for places that I recommend them checking out. Knowing they were tourists, I often recommend the up-in-coming sleek neighborhoods, never anything like the monuments, white house, or anything the tourists would really want to go. I often provide them with these recommendations with the good intention to explore DC as native DC locals.

It wasn't till last time that I was being a tourist in San Francisco did I realize the dramatic difference in thought process between locals and tourists. They think differently, hence they do different things. The natural resentment towards tourists can be justified, yet the obnoxious tourist behaviors be justified even more. But ultimately, tourists do what tourists do, and we locals should just leave them alone.

San Francisco has always been a city that I wanted to visit, and potentially live in. With its artsy cultures, steep hills, heart beat views of the ocean, this city is easily a target of literary romanticization. I arrived in San Francisco wanting to see what this city was all about. First day in the city we started from financial district to Chinatown on foot. Relying on Maps app on the iPhone as our tour guide, I decided to walk from Chinatown to Japan town, while sight seeing the residential areas in between. Next day we again started from financial district to Chinatown, then up to Telegraph hill, hiking in parks, discovering hidden stair cases, and landed at the Pier ports. We walked everywhere, it was a great cardio. I was proud of our triumph - exploring the city without anyone telling us what to do. We only bumped into a couple of old-style tourists and a couple of Munis passing by. I felt as if I just moved into a random apartment in SF, exploring the city as a new local.

Then we shared uberPool with a stranger, whom just happened to be a SF local. Through our conversations, it was pretty obvious that it was our first time in San Francisco. I asked the stranger, Andrew (I think that was his name), for some places that he recommended us visiting. Then he goes -- The mission district for bar scenes, Fort Funston dog park for afternoon sunbathe, and the Castro is also a pretty chill place to hangout. Bar scenes? Sunbathe? Chill place to hangout? No, we only have two days in SF, no time to chill and lay in the sun. I was surprised how familiar did his recommendation sounded from my recommendations to DC tourists. I am just like him when it comes to recommending places, but for some reason Andrew's response sounded extremely inconsiderate. There are bar scenes in DC as well, and having a sense of belonging in DC, I think the DC bar scene is better than anywhere else. As for dog park, the bethesda trolly trail has a big yard with dog owners walking their dogs. And chill places to hangout for me are places in DC like Dupont circle or Metro center. Being a Washingtonian, I was pretty much convinced that there is no other place better than DC in terms of casual social locations. I'm familiar with, it is my hood. Of course being in a brand new city I have to see things that are so uniquely belong to San Fransico. There are bar scenes everywhere, parks everywhere, and a chill place to hangout is completely subjective. I considered Andrew's suggestions useless, because he was not answering my question. Instead, he was projecting his love and familiarity for San Francisco onto me. And for me, that special place is already occupied by Washington, DC.

There goes an opinion from a tourist. We go to a completely different place, we see something that is completely new from our everyday lives. We want to be stimulated, we want to see something exotic.  We go to museums, galleries, monuments, or the place that has any signs of history. Of course we have to take photos, because we know that our days being in this new bazaar place only last a few days. We interacting with the locals for a short time, exchanging ideas, but bluntly aware of our geographical differences. We see the locals in a new environment as wrapped up candy in a candy shop. They are people, but they are also a representation of the an unknown place.

This new, fresh, exciting, dangerously unknown feeling is absent from that of a local. A local of any place, no matter how geographically or historically unique, focuses on the daily pleasures. Chill bars, leisure parks, and maybe location of which ethnic or organic food markets, are what defines the city in a local's mind. It is normal that a local new yorker has never visited statue of liberty. It is also not a big deal if Washingtonians do not go to the monuments on a weekly basis. Only the places that locals hangout most often make up the mental map of their living city.

The weekly mundanes of a local boil down to the same thing no matter where you live - go to work, shop for groceries, hangout with friends at a favorite bar, go see a baseball or football game. To devalue the excitement from a tourist and replace with our own accustomed routine almost sound like a moral crime.

Being self-aware can be discomforting

I was looking for books to read the other day, and more specifically, books that can give me a better judgement of character. Judgement of character is especially important if you are looking for the right people to meet in all aspects of your life. So far I have not yet found any. A book that I encountered on named How To Be A Good Judge Of Character Methods of Assessing Ability and Personality has some kind of religious influence in it. Even through I have recently been exploring the area of religion in my life, I hesitate to become a person that evolves my life around religion. As I was google searching, I came upon a post about such topic, that leads to a blog, then leads to a book named Hearts, Smarts, Guts, and Luck. It's a book on being self-aware that leads to successful entrepreneurship. The word entrepreneurship screams arrogance to me due to the character I associate with business majors in my undergraduate school. So I tend to stay away from it. The three co-authors for this self-help book also screams titles and influences to me. As I glanced at the short description of the three dominating looking businessman, I felt envious, jealous, worthless. They have money, influence, power, reputation, all of which I used to value, but no longer. They are self-aware, which I now value, and they apparently have enough to co-author a book about it. They are also thirty or forty years older than me, but I choose to ignore that.

It is then that made me realize that being self-aware is not always a feel-good drug. The envious and jealousy I felt increased my blood pressure, made me feel inferior and more keenly aware of my lesser role in my community. I also immediately realized the envious and jealousy I felt, and it made me feel ugly to even have such feeling in the first place. Just like one of my colleague used to tell me that she can be self-aware, but being self-aware made her feel uncomfortable about herself. I used to sneer and consider it a lack of courage to face such discomfort, now I think she is right. Often times being self-aware is constantly looking at myself at the ugliest, most realistic way possible. Being self-aware can get to the point that it messes up with your psyche. One person can look at him or herself this way every once in a while and know how to solve the problem. Another can also over expose him or herself to this painfully and uncomfortable way then fall into a negative feedback loop of despair.

But that's not to say that being self-aware is a bad thing. The questions that people ask on the blog of Hearts, Smarts, Guts, and Luck are more or less centered around finding ways to become self-aware. As if being self-aware is like having perfect pitch or photographic memory, you are either born with it or not. People generally want to be self-aware. People want that ability to honestly see themselves critically and honestly. Like positivity and willpower, self-awareness is a useful tool that comes in handy when life becomes unmanageable.

Tears is a wonderful thing

Tears is there to wash away the microorganisms that might settle onto your cornea. It's a sign of natural protective mechanisms against any foreign invasion. Tears in other instances are there as a sign of sorrow or sadness. I have been reading many psychoanalytic books, with eager psychologists trying to bring light to different perspective into people in transition, people that are suffering, or people facing whatever problems they are facing. There is one common theme in all of those books I read by David Brooks, M. Scott Peck, and Viktor Frankl. They all welcome tears, suffering, and changes in life. They see it as a necessary tool for us to grow spiritually into a deeper understanding of ourselves.

I, at many instances, try my best to hold the tears from coming out. You will laugh at the things I do: digging nails into my hands, pinching myself, or start thinking about extremely silly or embarrassing things I have done in the past. Most of times they don't work. Doing so would temporarily delay my tears, but at the end the tears always wins. Always.

Tears is a representation of suffering. Suffering is a representation of confrontation. Confrontation is a representation of maturation. Maturation is a representation of growth. Growth is a representation of experience. With those experience, we can see world from a different perspective. 

Another reason why people often hold back the tears, other than the fear of suffering and pain, is fear of judgement from others. The industrial revolution has changed people into believing tears as a sign of weakness, where indeed tears is a sign of strength. Tears show the confidence and bravery of an individual to show his or her weakness to others. Once an individual is willing to show it, the individual is willing to take the risks of all that follows afterwards. It indicates a precious level of trust towards others. It also indicates the belief in the self that is strong enough to tolerate all consequences of exposing his or her own weaknesses. 

To me, that is the quality of any leader of any organization should have, and yet sadly, most leaders in this world are deep in fear of the destruction of career, shame, and judgement. And yet, not many people, are willing to live completely guilt free, and are willing to remain the state of fear for a long long time. Many times, audiences can be forgiving and tolerant. We all understand that no one is perfect, because people who indeed pursue perfection is a sign of imperfection in itself. 

When people talk about themselves

Many times when people talk about themselves, I do this mind game of counting the times of a repeated statement. And when people are talking about themselves, hence activating the feel good response, they tend to emphasize certain points or qualities about themselves.

Some people I encounter are well-off. Those people strike a heavy impression because...they are well-off, and I am not well-off. When talking about themselves, some would say, humbly, that they are comfortable. Some people would just admit with pride that they are wealthy and tells some 20 something youngster to go see their house. Then there are the kinds of people that want to vaguely imply how rich they are by telling me the yacht they have in Baltimore, the W they stayed at when they were in Las Vegas, how they buy their girlfriends monogramed handbags and red-painted bottom shoes. They spit out a mouthful of information with one central idea - they are rich. Hearing those kind of talks never make me comfortable, because it indicates a certain level of arrogance and belittlement within their tone.

When I accidentally got someone to start talking about themselves in this way, it's no longer a conversation, they are making an argument -- usually an argument about how good they think they are, are indeed how good they actually are, as if they are telling you a secret that researchers don't know. So I came up with a formula when I talk to people to allow me to differentiate the actual truth from egoistical beliefs.

When you are listening to someone talking, you can start counting the number of times they argued for the same point. If they mentioned it once or twice out of a twenty minute conversation, then it probably means it's true yet it's not a main emphasis of their life. If they mentioned it more than three or four times, or circulate around the same topic for two or three minutes out of a twenty minute conversation, then it probably means it's something they really believe in and are currently on their mind. If anything more than that, it for sure means that they are trying to brainwash you into believing whatever they are trying to tell you. In this case, don't believe him or her, and run as fast as you can, because a man aggressively trying convince you of something is either a really good salesman or a control freak.

Young vs Old: a way to explain the difference in happiness

There are the things that I think on a daily basis: how to be a better person, what is the fundamental rule that I should abide by to get by life the right way, what kind of person should I be when interacting with people from different backgrounds? All those questions I think about, consulted self-help books on, everyday non-stop, almost seem like an psychological symptom. Only recently, do I finally accept that it's all because I'm young, confused, inexperienced, worried, and anxious. All of which goes under the category of normal twenty year olds.

I was having a satisfying intellectual conversation with an acquiesce of mine about arrogance and something called the socio-emotional selectivity theory. It was a great conversation that I do not experience in my daily life, sadly. It was a conversation that involved with most agreements, addition of information, and the consensus that young people are arrogant, old people are not.

The socio-emotional selectivity theory, if you don't know, is a theory that people's attitude and behavior towards life is more dependent on how many years of life the individual perceive remain on this planet. Experience in the past matter, education matter, but this years remain alive and well matter the most towards people's attitudes towards life.

If you are young and in your twenties, you think you will life on forever. The questions you think tend to be long-term. Things like the next career choice, the people you should befriend to benefit you in the long term, the amount of wealth you should accumulate to make you live comfortably, are all geared towards the future. Younger generations (the responsible ones) tend focus on preparation and delayed satisfaction, instead of immediate fulfillment.

If you are not young, or if you are young but somehow know that you only have five or six years to live, you might find those questions to quickly loose its meaning. What's the point of starting a career when you know that you only have five to six years to work on it? Is it even worth it to put that much time and energy into something that are uncertain? What's the point of befriending this arrogant wealthy jerk when the chance of him helping me is one in a thousand? In term, those people focus on what's important to their own satisfaction and fulfillment. Establishing connections with  people who know you closer to the soul, is something all old people do. They know each other better, forming further bonds with familiar ones establishes a deeper level of understanding and comfort -- something new acquaintances do not give you. Doing the simple things like gardening, spending time at home gives you a sense of belonging and identity -- something that working 10 hours a day does not give you. At a point in time, people who think they only have a few years to live change their way of thinking, and somehow just knows what truly make them satisfied and fulfilled. It's not a new LV bag, it's not the newest tech gadgets, it's, apparently, the simplest thing that all young people are already doing but are unaware - the greenery of the grass, the change of seasons, then daily saluting with people, the general spirit of fulfillment and joy.

While I write, I can understand this fulfillment and joy abstractly, yet fail to grasp it concretely.