My worth

One of the problem as a young 20 something woman constantly under the influence of social media, is that I like to value my worth through everything around me. My status among work, whom am I interacting, the amount of saving in my bank, my clothes, the appearance of my home, my boyfriend, or ex boyfriends. It takes me to this god feeling of strong and powerful when: work is going great, friends are pretty and smart, having enough savings in the bank so I can go without working for 1 year, good quality and expensive cloth, modern home, a boyfriend that makes people go "wow" (in a good way), and more so, how my previous boyfriends have treated me. The truth is, to a perfectionist and someone who is OCD in all aspects of her life, 99.99% of my life is in a stage where at least one of those examples is not right. I ended up like a detective, evaluating all aspects of my life, looking for problems. When I find it, I focus as much time as I need fixing it. And when I have more than one problem, I decide on the order of such problems being address based on its influence on my sanity. And before I know it, I became a slave to perfecting my life, for the sake of the vain feeling that my life is better than yours.

According to most people who know me, and even some people who are quite close to me, I have everything in my life together. But I am really not. I live life in the most tiresome way I can make it. I worry about the next thing that will go wrong in my life, instead of relaxing on a sunny beach and get skin cancer. I look at what others have, and decide if I want to have it as well. Well it turns out, I'm quite a greedy person. As a result, I fail to appreciate the things around me because my focus is always the next problem.

With all that said, I do not planning on change but simply acknowledge this. My ability to solve problems can push me to the next stage in life in a more successful way. I am willing to scarify my happiness for the sake of being successful. All that happiness and living the good life talk, can wait till later.