Continuity in space

I remember when I was studying art history, I came upon an work of art named "Unique forms of continuity in space". This piece immediately stuck to my mind, which was highly unusual for me. I am not good at remembering things unless I absolutely have to do it. But this title came to my frontal cortex and never left. The name, idea, and the meaning of the piece itself, had helped me gone through so many things in life.

The idea of futurism has a positive note that I believe everyone at least once in their life would associate with. Think postwar, and the sudden industrial growth. It celebrated change, the adoption of a brand new world, a brand new beginning. The unique forms of continuity in space, like a constantly changing society, is so unique that no timeless identifiable form. It signifies fluid and movement, yet it is indestructible. The cognitive mind also has its unique form in space. People can experience difficult things that were as detrimental to the mind as nuclear bombs to a country; but the will to go on with life is indestructible. After the many times which I faced failures, heartbreaks, and death, I overcome and become a slightly different person. My personality and values changed in both good and bad directions, but I am still here. The old me ten years back, is slightly different from the current me. I'm pretty sure the me ten years in the future is going to be slightly different too.

My worth

One of the problem as a young 20 something woman constantly under the influence of social media, is that I like to value my worth through everything around me. My status among work, whom am I interacting, the amount of saving in my bank, my clothes, the appearance of my home, my boyfriend, or ex boyfriends. It takes me to this god feeling of strong and powerful when: work is going great, friends are pretty and smart, having enough savings in the bank so I can go without working for 1 year, good quality and expensive cloth, modern home, a boyfriend that makes people go "wow" (in a good way), and more so, how my previous boyfriends have treated me. The truth is, to a perfectionist and someone who is OCD in all aspects of her life, 99.99% of my life is in a stage where at least one of those examples is not right. I ended up like a detective, evaluating all aspects of my life, looking for problems. When I find it, I focus as much time as I need fixing it. And when I have more than one problem, I decide on the order of such problems being address based on its influence on my sanity. And before I know it, I became a slave to perfecting my life, for the sake of the vain feeling that my life is better than yours.

According to most people who know me, and even some people who are quite close to me, I have everything in my life together. But I am really not. I live life in the most tiresome way I can make it. I worry about the next thing that will go wrong in my life, instead of relaxing on a sunny beach and get skin cancer. I look at what others have, and decide if I want to have it as well. Well it turns out, I'm quite a greedy person. As a result, I fail to appreciate the things around me because my focus is always the next problem.

With all that said, I do not planning on change but simply acknowledge this. My ability to solve problems can push me to the next stage in life in a more successful way. I am willing to scarify my happiness for the sake of being successful. All that happiness and living the good life talk, can wait till later.

A word a day emails

I recently subscribed to Merriam-Webster's word of the day emails. That is, everyday, you receive an email from Merriam Webster with the definition and examples of uses of a new word. I initially wanted to broaden my vocabulary after getting frustrated at the number of words I have never heard of when I read those fancy New Yorker articles. Since I often over use adjectives in my writing, I thought it would be nice to improve my adjectives vocabulary just to confuse people further with my writing.

It has been two days so far, the first email I received gave me the word: victual. It means food, but I have never seen this word being used in articles, nor have I have any idea where and when is the best situation for this word to be used. I didn't think too much about it, but was hoping a word that appears more often in conventional writing would appear, like "impeccable" or "conundrum". The next day I got my world of the day -- slapstick. What comes afterwards was an bittersweet experience.

The weaker role in a relationship

Everytime when a relationship ends, I take my time to reflect and learn. I think about the whole process, the roles we played as a couple, and mostly the things that he and I have done that led up to the breakup. If you are not the one that initiates the breakup, breakup sucks. If you are a woman and you are the one that is initiating the breakup, then breakup doesn't suck. In the mist of sadness, I have a tendency to focus on the amount of emotional effort I have to put in to make myself recover. The more emotional effort I need, the "weaker" role I have played in such relationship. But everyone knows that a relationship has to be balanced. The conclusion of me playing the weaker role can only indicate what happened was wrong, and unfair to one of us.

By weaker role, I mean the one that has little influence in the direction that the relationship goes, the one that relies on the other, the one that cries because of unfairness but cannot do anything about it since the other just won't listen. Have you ever been this situation? Well I have. It sucks. It sucks because I consider myself a 21 century woman who has power over my feelings. Then the question comes to: why am I feeling this way? Is it because my significant other is a male chauvinist who do not respect woman? Is it because my significant other don't have feelings? Is it because he just don't care about me and just don't care about this relationship at all? Is it because he just wants me for sex?

I think so.










There is also a tiny chance that I might be just too dependent on him. There is also a even smaller chance that I might be insecure, have low self-esteem, and fearful of him leaving. And why would that be the case? Past experiences? Lack of male role model? Too much negative outlook on life? A lack of understanding in your significant other? Control issues? Or a combination of them? I am like this, but I don't even know where to start to address these issues.