Suicide in high school

I was just reading about the abnormal suicide rates in Palo Alto high school. High suicide rates among teenagers in affluent areas did not surprise me. Faced with high levels of pressure to succeed, and isolation from their intolerant parents, I'm pretty sure I would not find any will to live in this world if I were them. When I was in senior year in high school in New York, a couple of students in my school also committed suicide. Jump in front of the train was a common method. My school was grieving after the death, but I somehow find no difference compare to the atmosphere beforehand. To me, that school was always gloomy.

I was stalking one of my previous ex's friends on Facebook the other day. Because, who doesn't stalk their ex at some point in time? As I scroll through the pictures, one girl caught my attention. I clicked into her semi-public profile, and was stunned. She looks exactly like the girl whom bullied me back when I was in high school. It is like her identical twin. And she looked so happy. Scenes of despair flood up in my mind. After the goosebumps, chills, and upset stomach, I cleared my browser history, closed safari. I found myself in my weakest state of mind.

Ex dumped me, and his friend look like someone who used to bully me. What a terrible world I live in. Just another reason we shouldn't be together. He is just a clone of those people. People from affluent areas are all the same.

I let my mind dwell. My pain and disgust still remained in me. I'm pretty sure if I had asked my ex about her, he would probably say "so and so is a really nice person, she wouldn't do those things to anyone...they are not even the same person, they just look alike" As far as he could tell. Of course, people change through out the course of time. And as they grow up, they probably have loss their queen-bee throne that was dominating back in their teenage years. If they are good people now, does it exempt them from what they have done in the past? Does it not matter how much torment I went through when I was in the weakest, most senitive years? With my hands shaking, this intense physical reaction from just seeing a picture is indicative of something far more serious underneath.

But the real problem is not being dumped or I got hurt. The problem is that I still have not yet let go of all the bitterness in the past after all these years. I simply choose to ignore the past, and let the painful imprints fade away in my long-term memory. I was the happiest student in high school graduation, because finally I can get out of it. Out of sight, out of mind. So I used to think. But just because I ignore what I struggled, doesn't mean that I can escape from all the insecurity, harm, negative feelings I endured and internalized for four years.

Back in high school, I did not have the courage or the confidence to talk to any of my fellow classmates on the same level because my family was not wealthy enough to live in the district. Judy was in the same band practice as me. I can tell she is one of the competitive students that wants to get into Harvard or Yale. I was a beginner in flute, took a couple of classes, and thought that playing some band music can really help enhance my skills. My counselor placed me in Band II by accident, a class for the highly accomplished musicians. I remember the first day I had no idea what I was doing. I had no sheet music, and was not familiar with any of the songs. There was a lot of catching up to do. Judy sat next to me. After the class, she told the teacher that I did not play my flute during class. My teacher was a Ph.D. We addressed him as Dr. He said to us, since my schedule was having conflicts, I can stay in Band II and will be fine. Judy apparently did not think so. She told everyone that I did not play my flute in class, publicly ridiculed me, and pointed fingers when encounter me in hallways. I was scared. I spend most of my time that year practicing flute, I just cannot get to be as good as Judy. Hence, I thought, Judy had the right to make fun of me, simply because I sucked. I did not belong in that class. After that year, I threw my flute away, never wanted to see it again.

I tried talking to therapists about this. I was acknowledged that I can blame everyone around me for the things that happened, the teacher, Judy, her friends, and myself. I was told to learn to love myself, even through everything I went through opposed such idea. I was embarrassed to talk to anyone about this, even more so to people closest to me. As I find more answers to treat my disease of insecurity and low self-esteem, I came to the idea to just--- talk to her about this. It's been so many years, and there is nothing I can loose. Maybe she has a different opinion of the situation, and my interpretation of the situation was just off. Maybe she tell her argument for what she did, and I simply misunderstood. Confrontation, even just a tiny bit of words in exchange, can catalyze healing process of my mental wounds. Maybe, just maybe, I will contact Judy on Facebook, and write her a letter about how I felt. Maybe she will listen, maybe she will not, or maybe she was not even aware. And maybe that identical twin I saw on Facebook in my ex's profile is the good twin and Judy is the evil sister.

Paris Attack 2015, but it's more about me and Paris

Paris attacks! Gasp! Can't believe the terrorists are back again! But this time it is more of a hybrid of September 11th attack and the Boston marathon attack.

With all the negative, grieving news from the radio, TV, newspaper, a sensitive young mind could easily fall into the endless negative feedback loop about the existence and meaning of human kind.

What immediately came to my mind was the refugees, and not the Parisians. Paris was just a tool for ISIS to voice its anger and display its potential to harm. Paris is now all over the news. I wonder if this attack will increase the surge in tourism in Paris soon afterwards. Keeping in mind that the number of Japanese restaurants surged after world war II, I wonder if people are going to be more interested in the Parisian culture, its food, its everything. I wonder if there is going to be #hipsterParisianfashion soon appearing on twitter.

But I do pray for the refugees that are in Europe and in America. The backslash and the prejudice they will receive for things they have no control of is just unseemly. Those people were deprived of basic human rights in their own country, forced to starve in refugee campus, and when they finally discovered a less dangerous place on this planet, we, the "natives" of the land come to hunt them with prejudice.

Immediately afterwards I took a step back at my thoughts and observed it. Why do I have such a large resentment towards the Parisians other than the fact that they are snobby, judgmental, and unwelcoming? Aren't I sometimes snobby, judgmental, and unwelcoming? If I were in their situation, I would be rude towards the tourisms whom in some form constantly ruin the beauty of my own city, too. Or was it that since the majority of the world is already lamenting for the loss that Paris endured, they don't need more attention? Whom am I to judge the equal distribution of lament and attention out of so many people that live in this world?

Hence, it's fair to say: Paris, I don't hate you anymore, I feel bad for you. However, I don't particularly like you, either.

Young and Ignorant

Have you ever get frustrated at how stupid people sometimes are? Surprised and felt hopeless that the majority of people are absent minded and have no awareness of their stupidity? I was thinking about many instances that I have encountered from talking to people whom just spit out the most presumptuous things, not having a clue about what they sound like. For once I encountered someone who made fun of Ph.D. For studying the chemicals produced uniquely on this one species of butterflies. He found it so childish and the study of butterflies as a act of stripping away one's manhood. He then attempted to create a contrast of his own immature way of thinking by wrapping up his story with "whatever dude, lets just get drunk." Another story I have heard was the conspiracy theory that, the lack of progression in HIV vaccine is a result of an governmental/conservative/religious attempt to wipe out the homosexual population. The fact that these kind of instances where people from wealthy business backgrounds completely ignoring human moral values that exists in us, made me feel worried in this overly materialized world where everyone is focused on being entertained and stimulated. They are not spending time thinking about themselves, hearing other voices, and looking from other people's perspectives. 

But then when I started thinking about hearing other voices, and seeing from other people's perspectives, I reached the conclusion that maybe I am the arrogant one just like them. My inability to understand the perspective of a non-science individual is just a precise example of me being a part of the young and ignorant or the old close minded generations.